Vol. 6, No. 1 {Spring 2001}

A quarterly newsletter designed to provide legal information that family counselors and therapists can use to help their patients.

New case law that affects families after divorce Three cases recently decided in New Jersey may have an effect on the lives of children and their divorced parents as they get on with their lives.

1. Limits on college expenses
   A divorcing couple, both college graduates, indicated in their property settlement agreement that they expected both of their children to go to college. However, the parties could not agree on which college their son should attend. The father agreed to pay up to 50% of the cost for his son to attend Rutgers. As a resident of New Jersey, his tuition at the state university would be relatively low. The son wanted to go to George Washington University, a private school, which would cost $31,000 a year. The father based his defense on a prior case ruling that a divorced father could be required to contribute to the college education of his son, but limited to the cost of Rutgers. The court found that because the father was a dentist and earned $200,000 per year, selection of a college should not be governed by an artificial bottom line but by the child's best interest consistent with economic reality.
2. Relocating from New Jersey
   Moving out of state with children after a divorce has become easier. Requests for relocation will be granted if the custodial parent can show the move is being made in good faith and will not harm the child. Visitation issues raised by the non-custodial parent are not to be considered independently but are only one of twelve factors that the court will consider. Historically, relocation was seen as destroying the relationship between the children and the non-custodial parent. The court now declares that "what's good for the custodial parent is good for the child."
3. Visitation rights for former partners in same-sex relationships
   In New Jersey former partners in gay relationships may be granted visitation rights with children only in certain cases. The critical factor is: During their time together did the couple and the child or children behave and identify themselves as a family to others? In the case before the court, a woman who spent time with her partner's adopted child during a four-year relationship was denied visitation because she did not hold herself out as a "family woman." According to gay activists, couples often have reasons not to be "out" in public and to live a gay life in private. However, the Court has ruled in New Jersey that a private gay life may jeopardize child visitation if the couple's relationship ends.

This case is difficult. On one hand the law says gay couples cannot get married and be a family. Now on the other hand, the Court is saying it will only recognize visitation rights if you are a "family."

Notes on domestic violence

Potential dangers alert

The National Council on Domestic Violence has alerted attorneys to be aware of potential dangers of domestic violence to their clients. I believe it makes sense to share this information with mental health professionals, as they also see clients who are at risk of domestic violence.

• Don't allow others to minimize the seriousness of domestic violence.
• Promote legislation that improves safety for the victims.
• Promote education in schools.
• Provide help to shelters.
• Take a stand.

Website for information

There is a website for the victims of domestic violence. The URL is: http://www.abanet.org/domviol/

New Jersey resource

Another good resource for mental health professionals to know about is a manual for victims of domestic violence entitled, Family Court Experience. It is published by the Women's Law Project of Trenton, NJ. Please let your client know that copies of the manual can be ordered by calling one of their three offices.

The telephone numbers are: 856-824-0599; 609-394-1506; and 732-244-6257. Court case to watch

Pending before the court is a case over the custody of a divorced couple's frozen embryos. The case is a delicate balance between the sanctity of oral contracts and the right NOT to reproduce. I'll keep you posted.

The High Conflict Divorce. . .What Can We Do?

Often I have clients who lack a positive approach to problem solving. Their perceptions are inaccurate; they cannot reason, are hypersensitive and overly concerned with their position. Unfortunately, the adversarial process and the courts themselves sometimes exacerbate these problems. Attorneys pursue cases in ways that have little to do with their clients' needs or the merits of the case. Although a husband may be doing his best to pay the bills, the wife is not satisfied and gets her attorney to write derogatory letters about the husband. This causes more tension and does not encourage the husband to be on time with payments. Many times I have represented the husband in a divorce, and he is automatically treated as a deadbeat--whether or not he is current with payments. It is unacceptable, yet we can't do much about the attitudes of judges.

The key is not to denigrate the spouse--that only causes future problems. Yet having said this, I admit that some of my clients are married to "not so nice" people. My clients sometimes think that when the divorce action starts they can use me and the courts to "change" their spouse's personality by getting court orders demanding better behavior.

What I tell my clients is, "If you married a not-so-nice person, you will divorce a not-so-nice person. I can't make your spouse respect you or talk nice to you." Divorcing couples need to see the reality of their situation; having a lawyer involved doesn't change the underlying issues.

I believe the best advice for couples in a high conflict divorce is to take a deep breath, understand what is ahead, and move on with your life. They should be advised to go to therapy for help with the day-to-day issues and to avoid hiring attorneys who will take on their anger.

The Family Lawyer is published quarterly by Pamela M. Cerruti, Esq., for mental health and social service professionals. This publication is intended to provide information to its readers. It is not intended to offer legal or professional advice. For more information, please contact:

Pamela M. Cerruti, Esq.

45 Park St., Montclair, NJ 07042

Tel: 973-746-5590

Fax: 973-509-0308